Nothing like a return to the blog world. I comfort myself in saying that everyone forgets to blog.
Seriously the scariest word in the history of the world. It encompasses all of my fear and anxiety. Every action and decision I make centers around this thought and idea. I am so afraid of brokenness.
It is weakness. Unmet expectations. Dashed hopes. Crushed dreams. Fear of failure. Lack of control.
It is . . . me.
I am broken to the core of my being. This year has been so hard. At its apex, I lost a baby. And be sure, a miscarriage will break you like nothing else you have ever experienced. And all of the feelings and disappointments and sadness - they are so real. They are devastating. And this death broke me.
But even more than the grief, I have made a dramatic discovery. I was broken before the miscarriage. Before we moved. Before all of it. My brokenness extends to the furthest reach of my being. My heart and soul are broken.
And thats where I have been sitting. Just broken. And really not sure how this fits into my life as a wife and mother. And even more so, how it fits into my relationship with my Savior.
See, I know that Christ is the Healer. I know that He is the Rescuer, the One who sees me. He is my Redeemer, my Strength and my Song. I know that because of Christ perfect life, atoning death, and miraculous resurrection that I am right with the Father. I have been given Christ's righteousness as my own through faith and trust in this Good News.
Then why. . .why do I feel this way? Why do I struggle to deal with the everyday? Why am I struggling to daily put sin to death? Why am I always "forgetting" the Lord's faithfulness?
Because I am broken.
I have been broken with sin since the beginning. And this fact is why I desperately desire a return to Eden. A return to a perfect relationship with the Creator of the Universe. But this will only come when Christ returns for His Bride and He makes all things right again. So what do I do in the meantime?!?
Cease striving to earn favor with God by doing good things. My salvation was never based on my own merit. It was always based on the grace of God. Why do I often act as though God's grace is not sufficient to sustain my salvation throughout my life? His grace is the only thing carrying my perseverance. He is keeping me. He is holding me.
Wallow in God's Word. I need to spend as much time as I can drinking in the life-giving truths in Scripture. This is my only source of truth. My feelings and wishy-washy emotions are a terrible thing to trust. But, I can put my hope and trust into the very words of my Father. In fact, they were given so that I could know Him and put my hope in Him.
Be honest with myself. I can not live in isolation. I must have a community of faithful women of God who are speaking truth into my life on a VERY regular basis.
Stop fearing man. It is ok to not be "GREAT!" all the time. I need to be honest with people. Especially when struggling through huge life events, like a miscarriage, or putting your grandmother in an assisted living facility or struggling with family relationships. They are often struggling as well or have experienced some of these things in the past. They know the hurt and despair. They are hopefully in-tune with the Holy Spirit and will be able to minister to me in the specific way that I need at that time.
And lastly, choose joy. I MUST wake up every morning and choose joy. Even with going through an extremely difficult season, the Gospel is more than enough reason to be joyful. I have been rescued from darkness and adopted by the Father. That necessitates joy!
So broken. . .absolutely. But carried by my Savior.
And full of joy in response to the beauty of the Gospel!