A post hidden away. It is still full of truth. I am amazed at the Lord's faithfulness over the past year.
I grew up as a pastor's daughter. Life in ministry is not easy. Often there is hurt and unfulfilled expectation and frustration. Isolation and loneliness are fast companions. There are things you just learn accept as part of the calling the Lord has placed on your family. Moving is definitely something you just accept. The actual process of moving becomes easier - truck packing, organization, etc. - but emotionally. . . . . . . . . See, I have forgotten the pain of moving.
I made the last move with my family in 2000. That summer was a game changer for our family. My brother graduated from high school and moved away to college. We moved to a church known for conflict and dissention. My cousin tragically lost his battle with cancer leaving 4 young children and a wife. I moved to public school (craziness). It was a hard move, but my Heavenly Father displayed is character in ways that I had never experienced. My faith was tested for the first time. My relationship with Christ truly became my own that summer.
Fastforward to 2013. I am on the verge of another big move. This time, I am not headed for hard things, but leaving hard things. My dad has been struggling with health issues. My husbands academic and professional careers have imploded through unmet expectations and unforseen problems and difficulty. A place and people of refuge have become estranged. I have had to work despite my overwhelming desire and call to stay at home with my sweet baby girl. My struggles with anxiety and depression have occasionally bubbled up to the surface due to the stress.
This move is different for my heart. Backwards even. I am leaving hardship, not facing it head on.
Honestly, I want to leave tomorrow. It just seems easier. I won't have to worry about goodbyes. I won't have to worry about dealing with . . . my heart. There are so many wonderful things about our current life. We LOVE LOVE LOVE our church family. We own and love our home. We are close to family. But anger and bitterness are deeply rooted in my heart.
There is old and new baggage that needs to be handled.
First, while looking at this move square in the face, I have realized that I am tired of moving. Of leaving and "moving on". I am ready to live in a forever town with a forever house. I want to set down roots for me and my family. I want to know everyone in my community. I want to stay in a church and build a LONG TERM ministry (longer than 5-10 years). I am tired.
Second, I am so disappointed in people and their lack of integrity. In the recent months, too many believers are finding their strength and power in sin. And lets be honest - their sin is intensly impacting my personal life. And it stinks.
But in looking at all of this yuckiness, here is what I know for sure:
The Lord is faithful to redeem. He will redeem these circumstances. He will receive the glory He is due.
He is interested in changing my heart and the hearts of everyone involved in all of these situations.
His grace is far-reaching. Even to reach the depths of my hardened heart.
He desires repentance and trust. This basic understanding of the Gospel is still applicable to me and you and everyone else. Turn from your sin and trust Christ. I must continually turn from my sin and trust Christ.
The God that I experience in my current city is the same God who will meet me across the country. He is the never-changing, always faithful Creator God of the universe. Because of this, He can be trusted.
So as I have been dealing with my heart, I found Psalm 3 so comforting this weekend. I rise and I lie down and the Lord Sustains me. Sweet truth.